NOT GETTING IT AT HOME? RE-EVALUATE!!

A little over 20 years ago, I faced the dead bedroom situation. In reflection, I handled it poorly, and it went on for several years until, at her insisted e, we separated. Had she not insisted, I likely would have stayed indefinitely, or at least until the children had grown and moved out. And when I did leave, I was in real pain from assessing what I perceived was my failure.

I had choices. I now regret what I chose. I could have left. But I had two small children who I thought benefitted from a full-time father, and I always had in my mind the commitment I had made "for better or worse." And it was not that I did not still love my wife. I was just pissed off about what was being denied to me. At the time, that seemed to be just what was denied to me physically; as I now review the matter, what was also being denied to me was a possibility of a rekindling of passion and appreciation, discovered through those missed encounters.

I asked what I could do to change that. I do not recall that I ever got a good answer, even in the presence of a couples counselor. I just got a kind of shoulder shrugging avoidance. After three meetings with the counselor, she refused to attend further, as she could not handle her own conduct being questioned by the counselor.

I could have demanded. I think this would have simply resulted in a further frustrating and ego bruising refusal, or perhaps some grudging acceptance for rare and unsatisfying "meetings."

I could have sought sex elsewhere surreptitiously. But that would have been well outside the moral compass I then held.

I could have given an ultimatum that, in the absence of sex at home, I would seek it elsewhere. Or, this might have resulted in very rare and poor sex that might have been available had I demanded. At that time, even seeking sex outside my marriage with her knowledge would also not have been within my moral compass, although perhaps not quite so far as doing so surreptitiously.

I could have just resigned myself to it. And I did.

Now I look back at that time, and I want to kick myself. It should have been, either we will have sex on some tolerable level of frequency, and it will be enthusiastic and satisfying, or I will seek it elsewhere, and you can then just blame yourself for us having simply a parenting and house managing partnership. Maybe that would have advanced the time of separation, or maybe it would have made life at home more tense, or maybe lots of things. (Or maybe, as the author here suggests, it would have made my home life better, because I would have been a happier person.) Or, as I wrote earlier, perhaps it would have presented at least the possibility that such engagements may have helped to rekindle her passion and appreciation. But now I regret the choice I made. And like Mrs. McCave ("Too Many Dave's”) now its too late. I will never regain what I lost.

So, if there are those out there listening, re-evaluate. And don't feel guilty. Whether one seeks sex elsewhere due to its infrequency or very poor quality at home is cheating, I leave to your own judgment. Some who write here would call that, especially with the knowledge, or perhaps even the consent of the non-participating spouse, “ethical non-monogamy.” But to seek elsewhere what you are simply refused at home, to me that is not cheating, and should not create guilt. Out of what are you cheating the refusing spouse? Is it the satisfaction of watching the very frustration he/she has caused, and is within his/her power to remedy? Or maybe it is the ego satisfaction of feeling that, even with denial of sex, I am so valuable that he/she stays with me. That might particularly be the case where the one doing the denying is also the major breadwinner and supporter of an incomplete yet still desirable lifestyle. Bah, humbug.